TRUMP CAMPAIGN SPECIAL REPORT: GOP NOMINEE VOWS TO SHUT US DEPT OF STATE AND REPLACE WITH US DEPT OF SEX; FIRST LADY MELANIA TO GIVE HEAD AND “LEND A HAND”
DONALD TRUMP TWEETS “MY NEW US DEPARTMENT WILL BE PROFITABLE STARTING DAY ONE!”
(MarketsMuse Exclusive)- Donald Trump, the GOP Presidential Nominee announced today “Because our foreign policy is such a disaster, during my first 100 days as President, I will not only build a really big wall along the Mexico border, I hereby vow to shut the U.S. Department of State until someone can figure out what the heck is going on with our foreign policy and at the same time, I will appoint my wife and First Lady Melania Trump to sit on my staff as Secretary and lead a newly-created US Department of Sex.” Mr. Trump vowed this would be a Cabinet-level role and “unlike every money-losing US Government agency, my new department will be “profitable starting day one!”
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In a series of 140-character tweets pushed out late Saturday night by Donald Trump after the NY Post revealed uncovered the plan, the Republican candidate eviscerated the foreign policy strategy initiatives of the Obama administration and declared, “Let’s face it folks, #SEX is the ultimate influencer when it comes to global diplomacy. All of the world’s great leaders have been swayed by legions of Eastern European models and consorts, and Melania is well-trained to lend a hand to my administration; trust me!.” Added Trump, ” We will immediately reward the vast number of under-educated white males in our country who have been so cheated by the rigged system and whose votes are so important to our country!” Trump went further to state ” I hereby pledge that my wife Melania will administer hand jobs to every single uneducated white male who votes for me in the national election.” In a follow-up tweet, Trump stated, “These will be the GREATEST hand jobs ever administered, and you can trust me when I make this promise!”
Trump also suggested that Estonia Government Bonds issued in 1927, long considered to have little value after Russia annexed the country in 1940, would “soon be worth much more than original face value, much more!”
Despite the fact that Mr. Trump has been a direct party to more than 3700 civil law suits during his business career, he insists that the promise to have his wife perform manual sex on under-educated white male voters is “a legal contract that I swear on my son Baron’s head, is a binding agreement that I will co-sign and one that I will not breach and she will not breach!”
In a late-breaking tweet made Sunday morning, Donald Trump said “This promise does not have to be limited to only under-educated white males, Melania will also provide manual sex to any woman who votes for me! This proves that I truly love and respect all women!”
Trump advisor Paul Manafort confirmed that “Donald Trump’s plan to create a revenue-producing US Federal Department of Sex could easily wipe out trillions in US national debt within the first two years of a Trump administration.”
Steve Mnuchin, a former Goldman Sachs partner who was recently appointed National Finance Chairman to the Trump Campaign
stated, “Winning and making money and making America great again is our focus. Many people on Wall Street know that Melania is a perfect role model who can lend her own hands to lead a profitable US Government initiative that can wipe out the national debt in a few easy strokes! Mnunchin added, I personally hope that other Trump family members will want to join in this program!”
How this latest pledge on the part of Donald Trump’s effort to be elected will impact financial markets remains unclear. According to one CNBC commentator, “From a global macro perspective, I don’t know how the markets will react to Trump’s promise, but I can tell you that most of our Squawk Box talking heads are going to putting out buy recommendations on this new plan and most viewers of CNBC will likely be impressed!”
